Waking up hungry...

I've been learning how to rest... it hasn't been easy. At first I felt resistant to it, like "God, can't you just give me something to do? Why do I have to rest? Come on, lets go!" in reality trying to avoid God (if that's at all possible) It seemed to me that being busy was the safest way to not have to go to the hurting places in my heart. But as I surrendered and submitted to God and let Him draw me into His rest; the urgency to do something started to fall off...not right away, (and it still comes up) but as the days have gone by, I have found that it's been getting easier, and today I didn't wake up feeling like I had to be still, but looking forward to some one on one with God... anticipating our time together. (in fact not really wanting to do anything else ...oh how the pendulum swings!)

This wasn't instant... I really fought it! At first I was just so tired, and I didn't have anything to give... then I was feeling a bit better and wanted to use up this energy that I haven't felt for quite a while, anyways for some reason I seemed to want to run from God instead of to God. Fortunately He really roped me in and made it clear that I needed to rest and spend some time alone with Him. And at first it almost felt like I was being grounded. In fact Tina had to say to me one night "You know Simone. You aren't being punished! God is wooing you!", this was like an arrow that shot right through my armour! I had been acting like I was fine and here this one statement made me crumble! I knew then that I needed some serious one on one time with God! I had to surrender... again!

I find that our relationship, which had become very ME centred, has been becoming more of a relationship, a dialogue. As I'm being refreshed and renewed, I'm finding myself asking God to reveal Himself to me, to show Himself through His word. I'm amazed at how much more exciting, and desirable this makes my time with God... Going to be with Him, not to just to get something for myself, but to know Him and discover more of Him, causes a desire for more of Him to rise up in me! I'm getting to the place of mystery again... of excitement that comes with new love... sort of butterflies in my stomach... like I'm discovering God again... just deeper.... Sighh!!!

You are so good to me Lord! You persued me though I was tired and ragged and beaten! Though I was feeling weak and tired and used up, you wooed me... you called out to me and I fought you!!! I didn't want to go to you....I was afraid that you would require too much from me.... I wanted to protect myself from you... but you persisted, you called out to me... and you whispered my name... you set boundaries around me, not to frighten me or discipline me, but to protect me, to keep me from running, and you tamed my heart again! You spoke to me, and let me know that I could trust you... you spoke truths where I had begun to believe lies about myself and about you... you brought sweet correction and lifted my eyes to see who you really are! You have drawn me into intimacy again... You have set me in a safe place. I am so thankful Lord! I find passion awakening, fire rising in my bones... My appetite for you is deepening, I am finding myself waking with a hunger for more of you. Deepen this hunger...awaken my heart to your love. Continue to draw me into you! Amen!

Blessings,

Simone